crane

i am at lost….

at lost of what i really want in life. back when i was in my most younger years, have i started dreaming of putting on a white coat with my name stitched in the left chest area with a suffix M.D. on it. yes, becoming a doctor was my very first childhood dream. then, as i gained few more years of my life but still in my first decade of life, i shifted to becoming a lawyer, but t’was just short lived, and i started dreaming of becoming a commercial plane pilot.

pilot? nah! i wouldnt qualify, i no longer have a 20/20 diopter which is a must for a pilot wannabe, plus numbers are not so my friend.

lawyer? uhhum! atty. viel p. jose…. wait? dont you think it sounded a little awkward? since i got more of my senses from growing, i came to dispise but not hate such proffession. to me, "lawyers are liars"! yeah, not all, but most. i need not defend my statement though. but after acquiring my 2nd degree in college, which i just simply took for sheer personal pealsure of learning to speak foreign languages and travelling abroad as part of the curriculum, it never came to my senses that it was indeed a pre-law course, and a very goo9d one at that. A.B.-International Studies that is. there i came to realize the craft of being a lawyer. but at this moments, i was already geared to pursue medskul.

and so, i left my home town to trek my path to acquiring the MD sufix on my name. Future Dr. Viel P. Jose, M.D.! whew! lovely, isnt it? but the road to becoming a doctor isnt that easy. it seemed to corrupt the lifestyle i was so used to live with, relaxed, hapi-go-lucky, grace under pressure, party, fun, adventures, travels, and just laid back. i have turned my back 180 degrees from all this in my 1st academic years. but it haunted me back so badly! still, i went on and never turned back. i never came to know myself as some one who leaves things undone. i always finish what ive started, no matter what. few years back, i came to think about my future. other that becomiong a doctor, a surgeon to be more specific, i also wanted to pursue a degree on the legal side. yes, i wanted to have this on my tombstone: Atty./Dr. viel P. Jose, M.D.! hahahaha! man, am i not so ambitious? slight! hahaha!

sadly, since few months back, ive been troubled of what i really finally wanted to become. my mom has just opened a restaurant back in the province, which is the kind of business i would love to establish if ever im gonna be pulled into the business world like my mother. then, the thought of going back to my previous job also haunted me. twas a job i never thought of having. i thought i wouldnt miss it, but now i am, terribly. i wanted to go back to it, i just dont know how (only my close friends and friends back in my hometown can relate to this! haha!).

now, i am confused of what i really want to be… a surgeon? a doctor-lawyer? a businessman? a tv personality? whew?

i wish to be enlightened the soonest while i still have years to furnish my life as it is gonna be, and before everything comes too late..

i wish…

i only wish now to now what i really want in life…

as i had just an attack of lonliness, i started to recall what have i done in my life so far…

then, one by one, i thought of my experiences, my problems, my life in gerneral and the moments when i was mostly on the hype,or to state it simplier, extatic… happy…

my relationship to my family and friends where the points in my life that ive given much time to ponder. i remebered how indifferent i was to my family, to my younger siblings especially how i used to fight back and talk back with my parents and grand parents, that one time, my grand mother almost had an attack for getting so furious with my being such a hard headed bastard!

the moments where i never enjoyed being with my family on trips or outings coz i always end up cornered with my parents, and they would start lecturing me about things; and i’d tell you here that i always cry and sob everytime i get to talk with my mom. all those times i felt that nobody cared for me. i always think that they dont love me, but they love my younger siblings most, whom are both asthmatic and sickly. i was in my puberty at that time and i needed much attention, guidance and parental assistance. i never found all those from them coz they were preoccupied attending to my health-challenged siblings. i wasnt able to understand that i am luckier than my siblings and that they deserve to be given more attention than i was. and so, i had some sort of rebellion. i spent more time with friends, i never mingled with any of my family members without ending it with a fight with my bro or sis,  and i’ve always talked back to my elders. i became a problem child.

then i have to move out and transfer to the city for my college education.

there i learned that as a graduation gift,my parents bought me a property in one the best subdivisions in the city, filled with all the things that i would need for comfort. i thanked them but it still didnt came up to my senses the value of their gifts.i just thought instead that it is their duty and responsibility as my parents to provide me with whatever i need.

i was mean, i know. infact, very mean…

for the first two months in college. i never went home. but…. but my mom never failed to wake me up every morning, and check me if i am home safe already in the late afternoons through a long distance call.

then one day, i decided to go home for a visit without telling anybody…

as ive reached the entrance of our residence, i was greeted by our store personnels and helpers.

then i saw my mom busy attending the bakery with my grand mama, and her sister. i could still remeber the happy faces my granma and aunt had posted on their faces upon seeing me,but more so, the surprised happy face that my mother has worn. then as i draw nearer to kiss them as respect, i saw my mom’s eyes grew moist and eventually, a tear fell down her cheek!

at that instance,i realized how much my mother has loved me. that she would do anything to provide me with whatever i would need. that she has already done so many things and would still be doing more just to show how much she loves me even at the times that she has to attend to other matters other than me. i realized, most especially, that all the while, i was just beeing self-centered and very selfish!

i couldnt stand the sight of seeing my mother crying, even if it was because of happiness.

i pulled myself and went directly to my room. for a moment, i locked my self while tears were involuntarilly dripping from my lacrimals. i felt so stupid for being such a bad child to my parents. i somehow felt undeserving for my mother’s love. infact i realized that all those times, she has shown that she favored me more than my younger siblings. but i was just blinded by my selfishness…

i was destructed from my thoughts when i heard a knock on my door.

i opened the door and saw my mom standing right there, and she told me that my meal is ready.

in the dinning table, mom sat ryt next to me and started regarding to my studies and my stay in the city and in my house. for the first, i felt for real and in my face how much my mother loves me.

then i took a nap to recuperate from the stress of travel.

i had the most pleasant sleep in my life. with the most comfort ive ever felt in my bed in the company of my soft linens and fluffy pillows. i felt like i was once back in the crib of my moms arms, wrapped with a blanket of her love, and craddled with her motherly care.

as i woke up, i knew that everything will be alright. that my relationship with everybody in my family- my grandma, younger siblings and especially to my parents- will never be the same- that ill be having the best of my family ties.

i was right indeed. i cannot compare my bond to my family now. no one can compare…

to my younger bro, levi and our youngest sis, bashi, i am very sorry for having envied you much in the past. i love you both so much. im always here for both of you not just as your big bro, but a best friend you can always have. i love you…

to grand mama, sorry for having been real nasty before. thank you so much for showing me the best that a grand mother can be to me amidst my hard headedness…

to my parents, momsie n popsie, "thank you" would never be enough for all the love that youve shown and given me. thank you most especially for bringing me into this world. thank you for everything…

to my entire family, thank you for loving me with all of you; for the patience and understanding in my shortcomings and for sharing with me the greatest of joy in life…

thank you all for helping together in molding me for who i am now, for what ive become and for what i am gonna be…

to my CREATOR, thank you so much for the lease of life! for this kind of life that you’ve lend me; for all the trials and problems; for all the people and friends ive met along the way; for my relatives; and most especially, for my family- the best that i have! thank you for giving me a beautiful life!!!

i viewed around, and saw  multitude of colors, variety of textures, various lines and shapes! my eyes glittered in excitement. what a wonderful site i am seeing.

my cerebrum started to work as i imagined my lay-outs, approach and style. and in an instance, all i realized was that my hands nd fingers are already doing its thing and my concentration is often interrupted with the clicking of my shutter!

i was back on photography! my passion, my outlet of self expression.

i can feel my adrenaline gushing throughout my system as i was in deep awe of the spectacular view i was facing… the movements, color and synchrony of the dancers as they all move in the beat of the drums that richocheted all over the streets to the body moving and spiritually connecting beat of the sinulog melody! i see beautiful dancers clad in their colorfull costumes. ah! what a sight! they had a long day ahead in the streets, but they seemed not minding it as they gracefully performed their routines!

as for the spectators, they became my widest selection of various array of subjects; my favorite subject: human emotions and protraits!

click! click! click!

i can almost hear my inner self crying out loud with excitement. it has been a while since i had been playing with my SLR’s. and now, the very moment of oppurtunity is within my reach, and literally in my face. that i just have to grab, and im all set… and so i did…

click! click! click!

i went on and on and on… not feeling tired ive been all over the vicinity taking and capturing every interestingsubject that i can capture! faces of children and alds alike who were in awe of the spectacular scenario that they were seeing. so varried, so unique, so natural and yet so complex! the way i liked it most…

i wish that day hasnt come to an end, that day that i have let my self loose and engrossed with my long time hobby of preserving images in a canvas of sheet, where i momentarily left my academic responsibilities, just to be in sheer fun with photography. i wish i could do it more often, i wish i could just do it anytime i want.. but sad to say, i cant; i just cant! i have to be a physician and not a photographer. photography would just remain as my hobby, my outlet of self expression. but no matter what i would keep to my grave my interest in this rare expression of art. photography will always be a part of my being, my personal and authentic expression of my own definition of art

finally the previous year was over, and we are now on board a whole new year. another year to experience life, and learn from every experience along the way. my previous year was amazing, positively and negatively. it has lots of unexpected sharp twists and turns. but gladly, i topped it all, and here i am now, still standing straight hoilding my head up high!

i started the previous year with great postive outlook, but then i was so lax and confident from the previous previous year that i overlooked my academics. and thus, i ended my sophomore year in medskul with unpleasant marks, thus i am retaking some of my subjects this time. i am not ashamed to tell you this coz i got nobody else to blame but me, and it was a failure where i learned great lessons in life. but this hasnt put me down for i cannot let anything tumble me over. i rejuvinated myself with a grand vacation, last summer! i went travelling with friends and even alone in some destinations! i gotten myslef extremely busy with travels. i went to boracay and stayed there for 6d/5n with my travel buddy and i had a blast! the best summer vacation i ever had! island hopping, snorkeling, jet skiingt, great foods, all-night everynight beach parties at club paraw, and the best of all, basking in the sun which rewarded me with a great tan! bronze skin: the way i wanted it to be! for those who doesnt like the sun and so desperate to scrape off their epidermis with anything they can hold on to just to get a lighter skin, they called me nognog. but for those who got a life on the beach under the sweet tropical sun, they complimented me for having such a great tan, and even envied me for having it real fair and nice! see the difference of pipol? to make it harsh: the ignorants, and the not! hahaha! just kidding aside, but its true!

boracay wasnt my sole destination last summer. i went to makati to spend a week vacation with my lady friend who used to be my school mate back in college! i stayed in her condo for the entire week, but iv been travelling out of town every other day while i was in makati. i went to batangas, puerto galera, subic and clark! sad thing was, we have to cancel our 100 islands tour due to her unforgiving schedules, but that was fun though! twas also great to have met with some of my old friends in manila. a dinner or a chat over a cup of a great coffee has sufficed all the days weve all missed!

then, the grandest of all; my solo palaqwan escapade. i had it arranged to have a 7day palawan bash! but due to sum flight schedule arangemnts of my airline, i was forced to stay shorter than i planned in palawan. sangat island- a true paradise situated in the prestine waters of coron, palawan was the place i chose to visit. a plrivate island with a great white beach tailored with great stone walls at the backdraft to both ends. and to my great amusement, live wild animals roam its vicinity on early mornings, such as monitor lizards endangered avian species and monkeys which stole my breads, chocolates, breads, and my solo companion: my capri cigarettes!

then, i went back to manila, and had a connecting flyt back to boracay to finish my vaction prior to a start of the new school year. the atmosphere was a lot different already coz summer has ended and the wet season has alredy started, but i was glad to see my travel buddy their with his cousins and one of my cebu barkada who happened to be their also at that time with his officemates! my solo flyt on my return to bora wasnt lonely as i figured it. twas fun, but honestly, not as much as hte 1st!

as the saying goes: everything has its end. so as my vacation. i packed my things back to my travel bag and boarded the plane which took me back here in cebu for yet another gruesome school year in the medical school!

academics wnt all so fine! has made more friends, and had been, finally, workin out again at fitness first.

then came dec10: the day which took me by surprise! very surprised!

as the president of our dormitory, i scheduled that day for the 1st ever dormitory open house. and so, just like any dormer, i was all so excited for this day. but prior to this, i received an invitation from a previous colleague and a great friend for her wedding which was also set on this day. and so, as i woke up to prepare to face my daqy ahead over a great dormitory project, i was greeted with multiple text messages, and missed calls: my uncle sam died. i was told he committed suicide, but only to find out, he was murdered by some corrupt assholes!!! i was so down and depressed all thru dec10. but then, another sharp turn hit me prior to the end of that day. dec10, 11:46PM, the date and time i was committed to a relationship… life indeed is so full o surprises! i could never treat any upcoming dec10 as just an ordinary day to for ever in my life, iv never been surprised as i was last dec10, 2005! this has brought a new meaning to my life that i will forver carry, treasure and remember!

the came the yuletide season. i thought that my family’s yuletide would be gloom and dull due to the loss of one of our closest relative, my uncle sammy. but it turned to be great. me and my cousinsd and sister did all the bakings and preparations for both the noche buena and buena noche which my uncle used to do. we took it as our tribute to our uncle who went ahead to his creator. twas both sad and fun! my apologies, for only i can understand that statement.

and so, finally, 2006 arrived. i greeted it with sheer fun with my family at the buena noche. but then i have to rest since i was schedule to fly back here in cebu on the very first day of the new year to prepare for my exams on the 1st week of classes! but prior to my flyt, i heared mass with my family, and had a pleasant flyt back here in cebu.

january 01, was another new and different day for me, for upon my arrival, a friend and his family met me up and went malling for a little while adn invited me to attend a service in their church and i sincerely took the invitation and was so greatfull after the service for it was truelly a spirit filled worship! in all honesty, i attended three masses last jan1, 06. a catholic mass with my family in the mornig, and two services in a born again church with my friends and their family in the evening and afternoon of that same day! a totally different and soul norturing day for me!

i started this year so ryt, i know. and i am expecting another grand year for the days to come. more twists and turns, a jolly but hair raising roller coster ride perhaps. but no matter what, i beleive that i would once again survive it ol, watever its gna be, for i have with me my savior all the time!

thank you dear lord for the wonderfull year of 2005!

for years in counting, i have been alone. alone in the plight of my life. yes, indeed i have countless of friends. but, have u ever felt once in ur life that u wanted to share ur life with someone very special. to share ur laughters, and even tears? to not just a friend but to someone really special! to do the groceries together and have indecisions of what to and what not to buy, to rush for the fave chips and sodas, to do shopping together, eat a hearty meal with, to watch great and sumtimes even non-sense movies just for the heck of spending time together, to hold hands while malling, to hug when u wanna show u care, to stare into ones eyes to say u needed that person, and to kiss ones soft red lips whenever u wanted to express ur love. and to cuddle while watching tv if there is time for such?

yes, it has been quiet a long while that i havnt shared such great moments with a special one. and yeah, i missed those times already. all the while ive thought that i wouldnt need that sumone for the moment coz i have so many friends and that i am havng great moments with my friends. but now, i am starting to realize that no matter how many thousands of friends i have, life wouldnt be complete without a very special someone. someone i can call my bb, sumone i can truelly share intimate moments with.

i dnt knw when id meet that someone, but i wish it would be at the soonest time, before id forget what love is, and before id become numb to feel someones love from the long wait.

to that special someone, i wish to find u the soonest, and please help me find u too. come into my life and lets share and make our lives defined to a lot better meaning!

lets watch the sun kiss the horizon together, and hold hands as we stride back to where we will spend our night.

together, let us paint our lives with beautiful colors.

come into my life, love me and own me.

i will love you with all of me, no matter what!

i am now so desperate to share my love with you!

please………

the whistle was blown, and the ref called in both teams. i sweat under the clouded sun, and feeling my heartbeat pumping within my chest. i am anxious to run and tackle my opponents flag and score by sack. finally, i was in the court, positioning my self on the defense line with my defense buddy, i came to realize that i wasm the smallest liner. my oponent was such a big dude. but when the game started, i learned my plus. i am small, he is big; but i am fast and he is slow… yet he is stronger. i gathered all my strength and planned a strategy to sack. "first down!" the ref called in. once again, i postioned my self; bending and touching the ground with my knuckles. my legs were restless as it were ready to lunge into my opponents QB. i heard the whistle blown again and took no time further… i sacked! score to my team. the rest of the game was filled with adrenaline pumping thru our systems. sweating in heat and energy we went on playing. joints cracking in every twist and turn and clashes, but that didnt matter, the goal is to score, and to score is our game! 1st match was over, and the score reads 60-22 to our favor! beat that!

2nd game came thru and in same goal, we played. not much of a challenge, we bagged down the opponent at 28-0. they were huge but they dont have a play. this is the match i got more pains. the huge QB broke into me as i was in full spead aiming for a sack. i ended up tumbling down three rolls on the ground. but then again. it didnt stop me from playing. thanx god i only got sore muscles from it.

3rd game was the best and the tightest. twas against the mighty team of a strong college, or so they thought. as tight as the match, we still scored 14-12, rising our revenge from 0-10 at the first half. victory was still ours.

4th match was the funniest. the opponent asked us to forfeit the game so at least they could make a mark on the score bored! hell no! that would loose the essence of the sportly competition. we aimed and worked hard to keep a clean winning streak, and they just came in to ask for such an out of this world record? we’re aint crazy enough to give in, and they ended up conceding from the match! 4th victory was litterally no sweat!

play-oofs came by and we were on the first seed. being on top of above else for having no records of loss, but all wins. we were alredi assured of the silver no matter what, but having the sense of competition, no athlete would simply settle for silver in pure confidence. we still aimed to bag the gold. sore muscles that we had, some joints cracking and aching in slight moves, and some players in injury, gold was still in the top mindset, not conceding not too confident but just plainly up for the goal! the goal to take the gold on the first ever Flag Foot Ball match in the history of SIGLAKAS - our intramural name for the university. but unanicipated, the opponent whom we’ve defeated on our third match gained enough strength and came up with a good defense against ours, we got nailed at 8-14. we had our first defeat, and that landed us on silver. it cant be helped but to be sad  and down after having oll the victory in the preliminaries and play-offs and just lost on the final match from an opponent whom we already defeated. but then again, a game is always like that, there are always loosers, and only one winner. we have accepted our defeat with whole hearts. but to us, we actually got defeated, it was still a triumph! a triumph from beeating all the opponents who are all undergraduates and have all the time in the world to practice and lay out a good game. while us? figure this our: just two practices prior to the match which only lasted 3hrs per session. not a sour graping but just a fact. to add, it was a victory, for upholding our true sense of sportsmanship for the spirit of great camaraderie. i will never be the same again with my views towards my physical capabilities. much more with my views towards life. Flag Foot Ball has taught me so many lessons in life to which i know u cant relate, and only me understands. life is a game, we should give our best inorder to win!

Team MEDICINE!!! (SIGLAKAS 2005, South Western University, Cebu City) Aug. 09-14, 2005

life isnt always what we wanted

most of the time, life ih never been fair

we get what we wish ever not to have, yet that is what we get

we end up questioning if we really do deserve such

but answers are just way beyond our means.

then we become lonely and sad, thinking life is really cruel, infact harsh

life indeed is, but still life is what we make it.

we can actually get what we wnat in life.

beleive in karma; you get what you give

or say, you’ll rip what u sow

its two different qoutes, but share the same implication.

be good to others, and others will be good to you;

be tough to others, and they’d be tough on you

worthy you, if u happen to hit on a weakling ofr they cannot fight back

but mind you, not all those who seem weak, are really what you think they are.

as a saying goes, dont judge the book by its cover, for some are just small but terrible. be careful with how you deal with life, it could hit u back, badly!

qouting a state from my favorite poe "desiderata", " speak ur truth clearly…. and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant, they too have their stories"

"do not compare ur self with other, you may become vain and bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself"

these are just but exerpts from the said poem, but if you ponder on it, it could teach you more about life.

we are created to be highly sociable beings, let us be, and be civil about it.

life will then be all so well

take it from me, i just ahad it, just learned my lesson…..

"waitress", i hailed in time to fill my grumbling tummy. i just gotten inside the mall to take my meal. had been hungry even when i was still hearing the mass, my regular sunday obligation. there you see different facies of people. some facies of content, of happiness, of loneliness, but the funny yet a fact, is that u see people falling asleep in the middle of the mass. i wouldnt want to sound like a hippocrite, i myself do sometime feel sleepy while hearing the priest’s sermon! well, this sunday wasnt that special aside from my sunday encouters with my creator. i go to him to thank him for all htat has transpired from the previous week, especially for the blessing that i’ve received, for my family and friends and for this life he has lent me, but most importantly, for all the trials he has sent along my way. trials which other people may take as a curse, but to me, it is a blessing!

not long then, i saw a waitress heading to my table, she handed me a menu and patiently waited for me to pick my choice of meal. "one regu’alata napolenata and a bottle of mineral water pls. and oh, pls give me some olive oil and balsamic vinaigrette for the garlic breads" i ordered with a smile. "would that be all, sir" the waitress asked politely with a smile. "yes" i replied. "that would be all fo now. thank you…" she then repeated my order to confirm and immediately left to forward my order to the kitchen for the chef o prepare. the resto was a cozy small place inside the mall; authentic wood furnitures, and well combined with few yellow light bulbs that gives accent to the room. as i waited for my meal, i was left iwth a blank thought. nothing specific was on my mind. anything would just pop in. there is a thought of what to study after my meal, what possible questions might come up in tomorows exams, and if i should head directly to my usual study place, the bigbucks coffeshop. oh, did i mention what im into? its in my profile, anyway, to save u the hastle, im a medicine student, ambitious one to become a cardiovascular surgeon, and i do have lots of exams almost everyday, thats the reason why i was stating about exams few lines back. well, just a thought.

inside the resto, most tables were filled with foreigners, and just a few locals. and if there are any, other than me who is alone, they are mostly in a company of an alien.

10 mins have passed, my food was then served. the palatable aroma of my order filled the atmosphere that clouded my space. my salivary glands suddenly became active and i could fill my mouth starting to get filled with its secretions. "yum!" i mumbled. i started mixing the vinaigrette ang the olive oil and deligently spreading some butter on my toast. took the slice into two and dipped the first half to the vinaigrette and had my first munch! i finished all four slices, and feeling satisfie, i strated hitting on my meal, my "rugu’alata napolenata". i savored everything in my plate and ended in contentment and satisfaction. and in a very filipino way, a great meal usually ends up with a "burp"! "burp! excuse me", i mused! looking around, i searched for the waitress and called up my bill, and the soonest that i settled my account, i left the place so greatful for having had a good fill. i thought im gonna leave the mall right then and head to study, but i was wrong. i ended up here in a cafe, checking my emails and friendster, and actually made this blog!……

07-17-05 (idea italia/netopia, ayala center, cebu city…)