crane

"i have lots of friends anyway" -such a bad line i was so used to. my usual and best defense mechanism.

ive never dumped friends for i value them. but if id be in a situation that is uncompromising to the point of having the friendship in peril, and if i know i did not initiate it, nor have the greater point at fault, you could never expect me to initiate patching things up, i only wait for the other party concerened to initiate, and i can easily let go and patch up.

all my life, ive had these kind of rough roads. so uncompromising and so lonely. but then again, everything as its end, as they say. could this be the natural process of death for the so called friendship? could be, but could not be.

we choose the fate of our friendship towards others. indeed, there are people whom have been our friend at a point of time, that we could just easily give up in times that we ould need to let go of them.

but the difficult side is that, when the person is, as you personally know it, is the most difficult to let go, and loosing as a friend.

ive shown my best defense line, and gesture tht i am not, nor will be affected if id loose this person, but nobody knows, that deep inside, i yearn badly, as ive waited long for that peron to talk to me to patch thing back to where it was left- to reativate the almost dying friendship.

it just happened to me. a very dear friend, almost gave up on me.

i have this somehow complex personality of a hapi-go-lucky, but strong in the outside, but weak on the inside, and at a deeper sense comes out the natural immaturity as i somehow try to supress getting old inside out and clinging on to my childhood no matter what, that it also affects or involves my other side of being.

hey! i dont have an alter go! no way!\

its just me, simply loving my immature side, sometimes.

i can act as if i really am not affected, but then again, it softens me to see the simple remders of our friendship: fotos of us with our new found friends during our travels, little items given to each other, presents from the past- or just anything that would remind me of what we used to have.

indeed i miss this friend badly. but somehow i was also at fault. at fault for a very sensitive fragile reason that i have never told to anybody, not even to my best friend. i reason that could eithr make me or break me into pieces. a reason, that is, to note, is the only secret ive kept for myself!

a reason, i know, will never be understood by anybody, not even by the person concerned or involved!

i have to have a defense mechanism for this, but sadly, my D-line was the sole reason of almost loosing this friend.

i got a soaring pride too! and it is just because of my being defensive, i know. but i cant help it. agh! crap! i a just but human! ive tried swallowing my pride, but some instances just makes me regurgitate it back out!

this afternoon, was such a dramatic moment!

seeral exchange of textmessages that has almost lead to a sure conclusion of bid and farewell.

then, silence….

it was all over i guess!

i prepped and conditioned myself, that, i just lost a dear friend i never wished to loose! i felt like a looser, indeed i was!

but then, i hanged on to another D-line that as always, nobody could have all the best in the world. and further thought that maybe, this has a purpose.

time kept rolling and rolling, and i was glad that i got hooked to something that deviated my attention less emotionally draining. i was in a light conversation with my co-proprietors, and was just leisurely talking about anything.

sadly, as i drove back home in silence, it ll came back to m, that i just inded hve lost a very dear friend. and my fone went off a disturbing message alarm and i lazily picked it up, twas my old friend- and there was a change of tone in the message. it was soft, infact so much softer than i expected.

my lacrimal glands got activated as i strongly fought for my lacrimal duct to be filled and overflow. good thing i suceeded, but it was close, so close. i cannot afford to have a hyperactivted lacrimals coz i was just about to go home to pick up my things and then ead on to a coffeeshop to study! i dont wanna look like a mess with a puffy eyebags then!

further on, we chatted over the fone and everything. but then there has no final conclusion yet settled.

could this be a new chance for the matted friendship? or could this be the final-final end of it?

this, i still am about to find out. maybe in a day or two. but i wish, could only wish, that it could be sooner, infact the soonest possible that i can.

but fr now, i can just only wait.

till tomorrow, or maybe till after my vacation!

who knows?

only time do know!!!

indeed you cant dictate people nor change them to be a better person, nor i can be dictated nor be changed by others. our personality is innate, and only us can change ourselves if we really want to. but a fact that is, we are who we are. and as we grow old, it is more difficult to change, even for the better!

i know i have my temper and a nasty character, that is if triggered by others. i never realized how nasty i can be until last month when a person triggered the beast in me. i was real nasty then and i never liked it. i became so furious and been fuming for a time that thinking about what that person has done could snap all my enthusiasm and made me sulk alone. as nasty as i lost track of what i was doing and i ended up leaving my other friends without bidding goodbye. i was so destructed and disturbed of how some people, whom i personally considered as tamed, intelligent, educated and coming from a family of good breeding could be such an ass at times. i mean, why in the world could these people, if be at fault, would tell others the opposite of the story instead of ccepting their faults and apologize? why would others count the favors uv asked from them and even the favors u didnt peronally asked infact u just meddled and slap it write in your face? are these the kind of persons whom we can call friends?

if i am to say but not to brag, i have helped and extended favors t my friends noting that i have so much friends than this particular person who just made "kwenta" on me. whew! people-sometimes, they ra out from their sanity and level f intellect and would just bark without thinking.

arrogance- i suoppose that is the best adjective that i can think of.

but then, me as i am. as simple apology could easily ease me down. even a defensive apology- an apology that was asked but still blaming me for what has transpired even if it was at their expense- is sufficient enough for me to forgive and forget. i may have forgiven this person, yet with all honesty, it took me a while to forget because i was traumatized when this person made "kwenta" on me. but then i came to realize the worth of friendship. little by little, in my own little way, i tried to forget that one disturbing event, and i have let go and accpted the person back as a real good friend. but then fate can sumtimes be playfull too! other people became involved! people who was once dear to you but seemed to have lost th value of ur friendship that was already tested by time. people, who, in such a way, didnt bother to listen to ur side and just ended up listenning to what others has shared.

i felt bad, and i think i have the right to feel bad with this scenario! i am havng trouble comprehending wether am i developing an attitude problem after that one mind-tormenting event when a good friend made "kwenta" on me or was it just simply fate playing hard on me?

till now, this so called friend has never talked to me. sadly, i could never initiate a resolution if i am the one being thrown on the pit. but i could do otherwise if i am the one at fault.

the value of friendship- in this context was somehow lost and discarded!

i personally dont know where this would lead me too. but perhaps, i, as i simply am, a simple gesture of humility or even just care to resolve this matter from the others concerned would help me brig back and patch up the old friendship that i have with them…

only time can tell…

till then…